The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press
conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures
of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in
his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be
that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association
of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant
with "green bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper
is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on
the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that
they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who
has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who
benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill
refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter
Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the
ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and
Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the
summer. The ant fined for failing to hire a proportionate
number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper
in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried
before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a
list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases
on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk
shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the
last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's
in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles
around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which
the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food,
they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly
applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of
"fairness" has dawned in America.

Newspaper headlines in 2107

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.) Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

Average price of a single family home in Southern California is $2,500,000. and a three bedroom apartment now rents for $8,000 a month.

Celebrating Christmas now officially a felony as it offends too many people.

हात्ती दौडमा गैंडा चिन्ता

-दिनेश वाग्ले

जंगबहादुर नामको हात्तीमा सवार नासिर अली त्यो क्षँण कुनै युद्धमा नयाँ राज्य जितेका नबाबभन्दा कम थिएनन् । ‘मेरो हात्ती सधैं फस्ट भएको छ’, गत सप्ताहान्तमा सौराहा, चितवनको एउटा ठूलो मैदानमा आयोजित हात्ती दौड प्रतियोगितामा प्रथम भएको जनावर चढेर चौरबाट बाहिरिँदै गर्दा भैरहवाका २४ वर्षे फनित (माहुतेभन्दा एक तहमाथि) ले मन खोलेर जंगबहादुरको बखान गरे । अरू प्रतिस्पर्धीका तुलनामा केही सानो उक्त हात्तीले फाइनल जित्नु अगाडिका चरणहरूमा आफूलाई पहिलो स्थानमा राखेको थियो । जंगबहादुर र नासिरको पहिलो सहभागिता भए पनि चितवनमा यसखाले प्रतियोगिता हुनथालेको यो तेस्रोपटक हो ।

धन्यवाद पिप्ले, चितवनका नवराज पन्तलाई जसले दुइ वर्षगाडि कोरियामा देखेका हात्तीको समूहबाट प्रेरित भएपछि स्थानीय होटल सञ्चालकहरूलाई हात्ती दौडको आयोजना गरेर सौराहाको पर्यटन प्रबर्द्धन गर्न सुझाएका थिए । ‘उहाँको कुरा सुनेपछि हामीले छलफल गर्यौं’, हात्ती दौड प्रतियोगिताका संयोजक हरिभक्त घिमिरेले भने- ‘क्रिसमस र नयाँ वर्षो बीचमा पर्यटक निकै कम हुनेहुँदा त्यतिबेलै दौड गर्ने निर्णय गर्यौं ।’ अर्थात् आयोजक क्षेत्रीय होटल संघको मुख्य उद्देश्य दौडका नाममा चितवनका होटलमा पर्यटक, सकेसम्म विदेशी जम्मा गर्नु हो । उद्देश्य पूरा हुँदै गरेको लक्षण होटलका कोठाहरूमा देखिएका छन्- दौडका बेलामा पर्यटक संख्या बढेको छ । दौड नहुँदा, घिमिरेका अनुसार, यही समयमा सौराहाका होटलहरूमा पाहुना संख्या ‘शून्य नै हुन्थ्यो ।’ ‘अहिले तेस्रो मुलुकका विदेशी सयभन्दा बढी छन्’, उनले भने- ‘उनीहरूमध्ये धेरैजसो दौड हेर्नकै लागि बसेका या आएका हुन् ।’ कुराकानी सुनिरहेका अर्का होटल व्यवसायीले दौडकै मौकामा सयौं भारतीयहरू सौराहा आएको बताए ।

विश्वमै पहिलो दाबी गरिएको हात्ती दौडलाई ‘अन्तर्राष्ट्रिय’ भनिए पनि जनावरहरू नै विदेशबाट ल्याइनेचाहिँ होइन । (तर सौराहामा निजी रूपमा पालिएका थुप्रै हात्ती भारतबाट भाडामा ल्याइएका हुन् ।) दौडमा सहभागी हुन चाहनेले आयोजकलाई निश्चित रकम (विदेशीले दुइ सय डलर र नेपालीले १० हजार रुपैयाँ) तिर्नुपर्छ । चितवन राष्ट्रिय निकुञ्जबाट पाँच र अन्य पालनकर्ताहरूबाट मागिएका हात्तीलाई प्रतियोगीले गोलाप्रथा मार्फ छान्छन् । एकजना विदेशी स्टुआर्ट सिन्क्लेयरले आफूलाई ‘नेपालकै सबैभन्दा ढिलो दौडिने हात्ती’ परे पनि दौडमा सहभागिता रोमाञ्चक रहेको बताए । यसपालि २४ वटा हात्ती सामेल थिए, जसमध्ये ८ वटामाथि स्टुआर्टजस्तै विदेशी चढेका थिए । दौडिने हात्तीमाथि माहुते र प्रतिस्पर्धी व्यक्ति गरी दुइजना हुन्छन् । (रोयल स्ट्यागको विज्ञापनयुक्त ब्यानर लगाएर दौडमा उत्रिएको जंगबहादुर माथि नासिरबाहेक हिमालयन डिस्टिलरीका गोपाल पुरी थिए ।)

मानिसहरूको दौडमा जस्तै हात्ती दौडमा पनि केही नियम हुन्छन्, जसलाई हात्ती, माहुते र प्रतियोगीले मान्नर्ुपर्छ । सीधा ३ सय मिटर लामो र १० मिटर चौडा ट्रयाकमा दौडिएका बेला हात्तीलाई लठ्ठीले पिट्न या घोच्न पाइँदैन । ‘आपत्कालीनबाहेक सामान्य अवस्थामा हात्तीलाई नियन्त्रण गर्न अंकुशको प्रयोग गर्न पाइँदैन’, प्रतियोगिताको वेब साइटमा उल्लेख छ । त्यसो भए प्रथम हुने हात्तीमा त्यस्तो खासियत थियो ? यही आउँछ, माहुतेको कला ।

‘सबैकुरा खुट्टामा भर्रपर्छ,’ जंगबहादुरलाई खुट्टा खुम्च्याउन लगाएर चौरमै बसाए पनि आफू भुइमा नओर्लिइ सवाददातासँग कुरा गर्न थालेका नासिरले भने । उनी हात्तीका हैन, आफ्ना खुट्टाका कुरा गरिरहेका थिए । ‘जति छिटो ठेल्यो, त्यति छिटो दौडिन्छ,’ उनले भने । अर्थात, हात्तीका कानपछाडि माहुतेका खुट्टा घच्घच्याउने । जताबाट घचेट्यो, हात्ती त्यसको विपरीततिर लाग्छ । कानमा त्यस्तो के छ माहुतेका खुट्टाले अगाडि धकेल्नासाथ हात्ती दौडियोस् ? त्यो नासिरलाई थाहा छैन तर उनी भन्छन्- ‘तागतले धकेल्नर्ुपर्छ । खुट्टै थाक्छन् ।’

‘साइकल चलाउदाभन्दा बढी जोडले धकेल्नुपर्छ ?’

‘हो, बढी । दुख्न पनि बढी नै दुख्छ ।’ यतिन्जेलसम्ममा हात्तीलाई उठाएर आफू भुइमा ओर्लेका फनितले थपे- ‘सास फेर्न गाह्रो पर्छ । मुख बाउनुपर्छ ।’ उनी हात्तीको हैन, अझै आफ्नै कुरा गरिरहेका थिए ।

जंगबहादुर प्रथम भएबापत नासिरलाई १५ सय रुपैया पुरस्कार मिल्यो भने डिस्टीलरीबाट २५ सय पाएको उनले बताए । छोराको जीत मनाउन नासिरका बाबु चौरमा उपस्थित थिए । नासिरका बाबु र दाजुहरू पनि हात्ती चलाउछन् । १० बर्षगाडि हात्ती चढ्न थालेका नासिरले यसअघि उनले जंगबहादुरकी आमा सुन्दरकली चलाएको बताए ।

यति कुरा गरिसकेपछि नासिरको दिमागमा हात्तीको कानमा हुने रहस्य फुत्त आएजस्तो भयो । ‘मान्नुस हात्तीको कान भनेको गाडीको एक्सिलेटर जस्तै हो,’ क्लोजअप मञ्जनको विज्ञापनमा देखिनेजस्ता सेता दात देखाउदै उनले भने- ‘जति दबायो उति दौडिन्छ ।’

तर कुनै हात्ती कम र कुनै छिटो किन - निश्चिय नै, त्यो हात्तीको शरीर र बलमा भर पर्ने कुरा हो तर नासिरले फट्ट जवाफ दिए- ‘हजुर उसो त (मोटरसाइकलहरू) स्प्लेन्डर र आरएक्समा पनि फरक हुन्छ । स्प्लेन्डर अलि छिटो दौडिन्छ ।’ लौ, कुरैकुरामा जंगबहादुरको रेकर्ड उल्लेख गर्न बिर्सको । उसलाई तीनसय मिटर जान र सोही बाटो फर्किन फाइनलमा एक मिनेट ३७ दशमलव ३३ सेकेन्ड लागेको थियो । उसलाई दोस्रो हुने पवनकली (एक मिनेट ३७ दशमलव ९७ सेकेन्ड) बाट चर्को दबाब परेको थियो ।

छोराको खुशीयालीमा सामेल हुन नासिर अलिका बाबु प्रतियोतितास्थलमा पुगेका थिए ।

दौड हात्तीहरूको भए पनि प्रतियोगितालाई चौरभन्दा पर जंगलमा अबैध सिकारबाट आफूहरूलाई बचाउन संर्घषरत गैडाहरूले छाँयामा पारे । केही समययता चितवनका जंगलमा गैंडाहरू मारिने क्रम बढ्दो छ जसले विश्वका जनावरप्रेमीहरूलाई जस्तै सौराहाबासी र व्यवसायीलाई चिन्तित तुल्याएको छ । त्यसैले उद्घाटनको दिन देखिएका प्लेकार्ड र गरिएका भाषणहरूमा गैंडाले मुख्य स्थान पाए । उद्घाटन र्यालीमा सहभागी स्थानीय माउन्ट भ्यु स्कुलमा चार कक्षाकी पूजा तिवारीले बोकेको प्लेकार्डले ‘उस्तै प्राणी उस्तै पीडा, मिलेर जोगाऊ एक सिंगे गैंडा’ भन्ने अनुरोध गरेको थियो । दौडकै अवसरमा आयोजना गरिएको सांस्कृतिक कार्यक्रममा गाउन गएका चितवनका मिलन लामा (जसले ‘माझी दाइ पोखरा फेवाताल’ गीतमार्फ राष्ट्रिय ख्याति पाएका छन्) ले यस्तो गीत बनाएका थिए- ‘गैंडा मार्या समाचारले जिउ भतक्कै गल्ने/गैंडा नै हो मूल आधार जिउ ज्यान पाल्ने ।’

यसोभन्दा मिलन लामाले ठ्याक्कै नासिर अलिको भावना बोलिदिएका छन् । जंगबहादुरलाई चौरमा दौडाउने बर्षमा एक पटक न हो, बाँकी समय उनले सौराहा पुग्ने पर्यटकलाई हात्तीको ढाडमा राखेर चितवन राष्ट्रिय निकुञ्जको जंगलमा गैंडा देखाउनै लैजाने हो ।

Cow politics

Cow politics

 

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Russian Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You gotta have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
 

 

Gazal-खाटो छ जिन्दगी

रुन्छु घाउ दुख्दा खाटो छ जिन्दगी
बोल्न खोज्छु व्यर्थै लाटो छ जिन्दगी

लढ्छु हिड्न खोज्दा कस्ले उठाउछ
कूल्ची हिड्छ सारा माटो छ जिन्दगी

फुल्छ फूल भन्ने आसा मरे सबै
चैत् मासको यो, पाटो  छ जिन्दगी

हुन्छ चन्द्र भन्दै दौडें म व्यर्थमा
यात्रु पर्खिबस्ने बाटो छ जिन्दगी

बहर_ हजज अस्तर
(सुत्र फाइलातू फैलून् फैलून् मर्फाइलून्)

This Gazal by Ramhari Ratri

Gazal- ठिक गर्‍यौ

                 

जे गर्‍यौ तिमीले एकदम ठिक गर्‍यौ
मायाको बदला प्यालामा बिष भर्‍यौ

रोकिएका श्वासहरु खोसिएका साथहरु
चुँडालेर मुटू तिमीले बहुत टिठ गर्‍यौ

जिउनु किन ओइलिएर सुक्नु किन सेकिएर
झोसिदेर आगो तिमीले गजब हित गर्‍यौ

रुझेका वर्षातहरु रोइरहे सांझ भरी
पोखेर मुस्कान ओठमा तिमीले प्रित गर्‍यौ

बेदनाको रापमा मनहरु पिल्सिरंदा
छोपेर मुख तिमी ले खितखित गर्‍यौ

यस्तै रह्यो यस्तै भयो गुनासो छैन केहि
ओढेर एक्लै वसन्त तिमीले जित गर्‍यौ

Amrit kafle wrote series

Gazal - अब बिर्सिदेऊ

भुलवश यो भयो प्यारा अब बिर्सिदेऊ
जे भयो भइगयो सारा अब बिर्सिदेऊ

कम्पित हुदै मन रूला हिजोको गुन्जनमा
प्रेमबचन छद्मभेशी नारा अब बिर्सिदेऊ

खहरेले निलेछ धान झुल्ने फाटंलाइ
जाइ सयपत्री फुल्ने गह्रा अब बिर्सिदेऊ

उड्दै गयौ खस्ने कहा चुडिएको चंगा सरी
सुवासिलो माटो प्रिय धरा अब बिर्सिदेऊ

कटूस काफल रुदै झरे न्याउलीको बिरहमा
चुथ्रो अनि खनिउको जरा अब बिर्सिदेऊ

जगत सिन्ची जिबन फुलाउने आशा थियो
काली झाली माली रहे थारा अब बिर्सिदेऊ

सुटुक्कको कानेखुशी चट्यागं जस्तो पड्केपछी
जसरि नि तिर्छु भन्ने दुधको भारा अब बिर्सिदेऊ

By Amrit Kafle